Empress of Hedonism
by first-hoekage
Summary: When I find myself stranded in a different universe, I know that I probably deserve it. This is why they say you shouldn't eat weird things you find in the rainforest - oh wait, they don't say that? Well, they should start. **HIATUS**
1. prologue: forbidden fruits or whatever

Hi~ It's been a long time since I've written anything, and it's my first time writing something for One Piece, but I thought I'd try my hand at an OC-centered fic. For the moment, this story doesn't really have an end goal—we're just going to try to have an adventure. Hope you enjoy!

* * *

 _ **prologue**_

* * *

It was a strange looking fruit—shaped kind of like a guava, but translucent enough to show the pit at its center, and with dark swirls etched into its skin. I stared at it for a long time as I wondered if it was edible, eyes narrowed, brow raised, arms crossed firmly against my chest.

In the end, however, my growing hunger and my growling stomach won the battle against logic (in which I tried to reason that the fruit could potentially be the toxic product of a genetic mutation and if I ate it, I could die) and I figured, fuck it, it was probably harmless.

As I plucked the colorless ball from its branch with a heedless shrug, I assured myself that I deserved a snack after my long and arduous hike. Never mind that I was lost in the Sumatran rainforest during what I'd hoped would be the greatest solo-adventure of my life—insert nervous chuckle here—I would worry about how to get _un_ -lost once I restored my blood glucose levels and maybe took a nap.

A careless bite later, I'd unknowingly sealed my fate. And while the fruit's wretched, bitter aftertaste slowly built in the back of my throat, I barely noticed that everything around me started spinning into nothing.

The last thing I remember, there was a ringing—a voice that was not a voice, offering me the name of the devil.


	2. chapter one: an idiot abroad

Short chapter, as most will probably be. This time around we'll get a sense of our main character's personality...I have to admit, she's pretty fun to write.

* * *

 **chapter one: an idiot abroad**

* * *

"90 million Berries?" Holding up the respective pirate's wanted poster, I click my tongue. "Looks like you almost made the cut, but not quite, huh buddy?"

A narrow eye twitches, the burly man in front of me resting his hand on the hilt of his sword. We're in the lawless zone of the Sabaody Archipelago, and I'm about to make me some extra spending money.

"I mean," I egg him on, "If you'd earned just a _little bit_ more, they would have considered you a super rookie. Y'know?"

"Are you trying to pick a fight, little lady?"

Picking my nose with my pinky finger, I flick a booger to the side. "That depends. If you're less than a hundred are you even capable of putting up a fight, old man?"

.

.

.

Rear Admiral Perry shoots me a deadpanned look.

"What the hell is this?"

I grin. "A pirate."

He pauses.

Clearing his throat, he continues. "And _why_ did you just slam this pirate's bloodied face into my desk?"

I pause.

He waits.

I huff. "Isn't it obvious?" I ask, raising an eyebrow. "I'm collecting his bounty."

The older man's face grows pale.

"Kaoru-taichou," he states.

"Yes, Rear Admiral?"

"How many times do I have to tell you…?" he seethes, "That's not how it works!"

And then, a fist slams into my skull.

.

.

.

Blood rushes to my head. I'm pretty sure that any moment now, I'm going to pass out.

"Let me guess," a heartless but familiar voice says. "You went to the Lawless Area. Beat up a pirate. And tried to get money for it. _Again_."

"That is correct," I quip, though my voice is strained. It's not easy to talk when you're hanging upside down from the ceiling. "Hey, will you help me down?"

Enzo sighs. At this angle, I can only see his feet, but I can imagine the _"I'm so sick of your shit"_ look the master chief petty officer gives me on the daily. Well, you know what? He can suck my—

"Kaoru-taichou," he crouches down. And indeed, there is that look. "You're a captain. Of the _Navy_. You can't just go around trying to collect bounties off of rogues."

I roll my eyes dramatically.

"First of all, it's unprofessional. Second of all, when a person becomes a marine official, they also become ineligible for collecting individual bounties. It's in our contract." Matter-of-factly, he explains, "Also, since the navy's the one who pays bounties, and marines are the ones who arrest the most criminals, it makes sense that the navy won't pay their own officials for _every_ single criminal that they catch, no?"

I click my tongue. "Whatever," I writhe, trying to get myself out of the ropes binding my body. "All I got from that is that the higher ups are cheapos."

Enzo stares at me blankly.

Standing up, he places a hand at my side. Gasping, I look at the man hopefully. "Are you going to help me down?" I ask excitedly.

He smiles. "Sure," he says—and at that moment, I know that he's lying because Enzo only smiles for two reasons. The first, when he's torturing somebody. The second, when he's thinking about torturing somebody.

Grabbing onto a length of rope, he pulls, then starts walking around me in circles.

"Hey, wait—what do you think you're doing?" I squirm—but alas, it is to no avail.

I can feel my blood oppose gravity as my complexion blanches. Nothing can help me now. I'm doomed. After a final turn, Enzo lets go of the rope and I start spinning. Maybe it would've been kind of fun if I hadn't eaten that burrito earlier, and if I wasn't upside down.

.

.

.

About two years ago, I fell through a worm hole into a universe that I'd previously believed to be fictional. It was a land of pirates and devil fruits that should have only existed in a popular animated series—but there I was, on some island called Floris, in the middle of the motherfuckin' East Blue.

Imagine my surprise when I discovered that, no. I wasn't dead.

No. I wasn't suffering from the hallucinogenic side effects of a certain mutated guava.

And yes. This _was_ real.

Nineteen years old at the time, I'd been a university student on summer break, with nothing to my name except a backpack full of used napkins and a nearly-exhausted supply of oreos. Never mind the dead cell phone and the couple hundred bucks I'd had for traveling—all of that was useless now. To my dismay, dollars weren't convertible to berries.

It was a humbling experience, to say the least. But at the same time, it was also liberating. Knowing that my unfinished college degree wouldn't support me in this world (not that I'm entirely convinced that a completed one could've supported me in the "real" world, either), I was quick to exploit my other skills to survive.

And upon discovering that, as a matter of fact, I _had no other skills_ —I sulked in the corner of an alleyway as I stress-ate the rest of my oreos.

There wasn't much I could do at this point. Seeing that in this world, education tended to be something reserved for the rich, I had to abandon all hopes of pursuing a traditional education. I'd been a pre-medical student under the guidance of professors before everything happened, but now I'd have to rely on independent study and research if I ever wanted to become a doctor. Unfortunately, reading books all day wouldn't fill the vacuum cleaner that was my stomach.

What I _did_ have, however, were the newfound powers from something called the Sense Sense Fruit. As the name suggested, it offered the user the ability to manipulate senses—not that I had any clue how to use it at the time. That ruled out my idea of becoming a pirate. I wouldn't survive on the seas without someone to rescue me when I was about to drown, or basic combat skills for that matter.

The only reasonable option I could think of was to join the Navy. They would give me food and shelter, I'd pick up some combat skills, and all I had to do was more or less sell my soul! Then, in the future, if I wanted to become a pirate or something, I'd just leave. It couldn't get much simpler than that—and truth be told, it's been working pretty well so far.

Thus, I worked my way up to captain, and recently, I was transferred to the Sabaody Archipelago. These days, you can find me at either one of two places: Sabaody Park or the Lawless Zone.

Presently, I'm in the former.

"Ossan," I say, mouth stuffed with food, "These buns are really good. I'm going to blame you if I gain any weight."

The amusement park vendor chuckles. "You say that every time, Kaoru-san, but you've still been coming here at least four times a week.

I shrug, grinning.

Just then, the transponder snail in my pocket makes its characteristic ringing noise. I let it go for a while to see if the person on the other end would hang up, but when they don't, I groan.

"What is it?" I ask, munching on another bun.

"…Where are you?"

Enzo's voice is icy. I cringe.

"Um. I'm in my office," I lie, wary that my subordinate would raise hell if he found out I snuck out during my break.

"No you're not. I'm in your office right now."

There's an awkward silence. I never was very good at lying.

"You're at Sabaody Park, aren't you?"

It's probably best not to answer.

"Well, it doesn't matter," Enzo states calmly. I sigh in relief. "You need to get back to the base. Admiral Kizaru is on his way to Sabaody because some pirates took a few World Nobles hostage at the Auction House. We've been told to contain them until he arrives."

"Oh."

It takes a few moments before I really understand what he's saying.

Then, my jaw unhinges.

" _Oh_."


	3. chapter two: boyband & their biggest fan

Dear lordie, this chapter sounds like a crack fic. I've edited it so many times, but I just can't get rid of the crack-like flavor, y'know? I'll just have to blame Kaoru for being a fucking weirdo. Also, _an important note:_ As of this chapter, I'll be changing the story rating to M. Because of Kaoru (absolutely not me, of course), we should expect the use of increasingly worse adult humor and situations, so just be aware of that.

But anyway, thank you to everyone who reviewed, favorited, and followed! It means a lot!

Finally, a response to the guest who asked about why Kaoru's subordinate (Enzo) can bully her: Good observation! I'll probably get into detail sometime later, though the long story short is that they go back to their recruit days and neither of them really care about ranks with each other. Hope that suffices for now :)

* * *

 **chapter two: the boyband and their biggest fan  
**

* * *

In reality, it comes as no surprise that I find myself on Sabaody at the same time as the so-called Worst Generation. If anything, it was my intention, which is why as soon as I made it to captain a few months ago, I'd requested a transfer to the mangrove forest.

As for my reasons—well, they weren't anything particularly crafty. Mostly, I was bored, and I wanted to be where the action was. After hearing about Crocodile's downfall a while back, I knew it was only a matter of time before the main cast showed up at Sabaody. As for what I would do when that finally happened…?

Well, I dunno. I didn't think that far ahead.

Falling into place behind my men, I stuff my last few steamed buns into my pocket for safe-keeping, pleased to find that my almost late arrival has hardly been acknowledged—though, Enzo does shoot me a quick glare before redirecting his attention to the front of the Auction House. Following his gaze, I catch sight of three shadows advancing towards us, their voices echoing under the arch of the entranceway as they engage in the kind of argument that only small children and men could understand.

"Just stand back. I can handle this by myself."

"No, _I'll_ do it! You're just gonna get in the way!"

"I hope you're not trying to order me around…"

At the rear, the Commodore glowers. He raises his hand, signaling the rest of us to prepare for combat.

"Ready yourselves!" an officer warns, lifting his rifle and aiming it at the boys.

"They're all captains!"

"300 million, 315 million, and 200 million berries!"

My heart beats in my throat as the three rookies come into view, their frames contrasting sharply as they stand side by side. From the right to the left stand Monkey D. Luffy, Eustass Kid, and Trafalgar Law; like a spectrum of bright and happy to progressively more and more emo. Indeed, they're a strange trio no matter how you look at them, but what's really striking is the way the sunlight hits them like… _heavenly rays illuminating upon the most glorious and radiant of angels~so dreamy~sigh~~_

"Not this again," Enzo murmurs beside me, though his words more or less come in through one ear and leave out the other. Palms pressed against my cheeks as I blush and giggle girlishly, I'm far too immersed in the surrealness of the situation to register what he says or to even care about it in the first place. To think, that this poorly written fanfiction that's become my life would lead me to see the Holy Trinity with my own, undeserving mortal eyes… I can only describe the experience as being like seeing your favorite band at the front row of a concert and wishing you could climb up the stage so you could touch them. Which I may or may not have done before.

Enzo coughs, as if advising me to hurry it up with my routine. I intend to ignore him, but then he just flat out says, "Is this gonna happen _every time_ you see mildly attractive men?"

With that, I return to reality, scowling at the master chief petty officer.

"Hey," I warn him, "Don't make the readers think I'm some kind of common pervert. I only act like this for canon characters and other attractive persons ranked seven and a half or above."

He gives me a confused expression. "What the hell are you talking about…"

But of course—as much as I hate to admit it—the man is right. This is hardly the time to indulge in my teenage fangirl tendencies. As deeply ingrained as they are, I am an _adult_.

I am a _marine_.

Not that either of those things mean much, BAHAHA~

Luffy moves forward, crossing his arms over his chest. He stands confidently in front of the marines, speaking dismissively to the other two captains beside him.

"You guys stay back," he states. "I don't need your help."

The pale, goth guitarist scowls. "I thought I told the two of you to stay back, huh?"

Coolly, the tan and edgy drummer warns, "If you try to order me around one more time, I'll take you out first, Eustass-ya."

When did I start fantasizing about the pirates as actual members of a boyband in an alternate universe? I can't say. But with that exchange, all the heat floods to my face. I can only bite my tongue helplessly as I wait for my blush to recede.

Enzo gives me a disappointed look, but says nothing.

The Commodore lowers his arm.

"Fire the mortars!"

I flinch at the sound of the barrage, using my Sense Sense Fruit powers to lessen the intensity of the noise. It's time to get serious, I suppose, though I'm not entirely sure what my role in this battle should be. I know that ideally, I shouldn't get involved—else I'd risk screwing up the plot—but as a captain, I can't just run away and do nothing.

I mean, I _could_.

But that would be wrong.

Explosives and weapons fly through the air, and it's only thanks to observation Haki that I manage to sidestep a bomb that ricocheted off of Strawhat's rubber balloon and towards my face, along with an array of swords and guns that were undoubtedly repelled by Kid's magnetic powers. Unsurprisingly, the Navy's efforts are no match against the trio's devil fruit abilities—but despite being an officer, I can't help but feel a sense of pride over their strength. Honestly, this would've been such a great moment if I was safe on the other side of my computer screen and not actively trying to not get blown up or stabbed.

"Room."

My eye twitches when I realize I'd been encircled by a light blue field.

"Shambles."

Well, fuck.

.

.

.

The Heart Pirate captain's attack lives up to its namesake, leaving at least half of my subordinates in shambles. While I didn't escape from his Op-Op fruit without any losses myself (I lost at least half a steamed bun and the lower right part of my coat), I know I can't afford to dwell on it too much. What matters right now is that I still have at least two and a half buns tucked away somewhere on my body.

...And that I have to make sure no one else gets cut up, of course. I don't even want to _think_ about the headache I'll get trying to rearrange the dislocated lot of marines into their respective parts. I'll do what I can to minimize my inevitable stress and the arguments over dick sizes that'll undoubtedly ensue.

Drawing my sword, I stand in front of the Surgeon of Death, looking him square in the eyes.

"I thought this was supposed to be the Law-less Zone. What are you doing here, Trafalgar _Law_?"

I hold in a snigger, but a little comes out as a choking sound. Settling for a grin, my opponent's own smirk instantly turns into a frown.

Gray eyes stare at me blankly.

"…"

"…"

"…"

"Was that supposed to be a joke?"

I stiffen.

"That depends. Did you think it was funny?"

"No."

"Then, no. It wasn't supposed to be a joke."

A cloud of depression threatens to loom over me, and before I know it, I'm in the corner of the circular room (if that's even possible), curled up and pouting.

"I thought it was pretty funny," I mutter to myself.

In the background, marines yell, "Kaoru-taichou!"

"She's been defeated by her own bad joke!"

"Trafalgar Law didn't even have to touch her!"

The captain of the Heart Pirates, on the other hand, just watches me uncertainly.

Then, he says, while twirling his sword in his hands, "This'll be over quick."

I yelp as I jump out of the way of his attack, a slice that would have surely cut my body in half. The pirate casts me a deadly look as I continue to evade him, the dark circles under his eyes making him appear downright evil. If I were anybody else, I'd probably be a little intimidated. But because I'm a fan, it just sends love arrows through my heart and makes my nose bleed a little.

"She's bleeding! Kaoru-taichou is bleeding from her nose!"

"What?! Did he get her?!"

"No! He didn't even have to touch her! Again!" the marines yell.

Blushing furiously, I wipe the blood off with my sleeve. "Shut the fuck up, you assholes!" I scream, swearing that I'll pay them back for their useless commentary later. Let me tell you something—I _refuse_ to have my character overlap with Sanji's. I'm an OC. I need to be original!

Just before he tries to pull another move, Law turns away, shutting his eyes as he experiences a sudden influx of light. Taking advantage of his distracted state, I use shave to flicker directly in front of him—but even without his vision, he manages to block my sword with his own.

Grunting, my feet skid against the ground as he pushes me backward.

It'd definitely be interesting to see how I'd fare against the future warlord, but aside from the gut feeling that tells me I'd probably get my ass kicked and like it (hehehe), I know this isn't the time or place to indulge in my curiosity. Kizaru and the fake Kumas are arriving soon, and I'm more than aware that if I do anything too extra, it could risk getting Law and the others caught. And if that happens, they would probably all be killed. And if they're all killed, the balance between the powers of justice or whatever would be disrupted. And then, the universe would probably be ruined forever and blow up or something. And worst of all, it would be _all my fault._

I'm not ready for that kind of responsibility.

That being said, I decide I should at least hold Law off until his crew arrives. I figure it's the best way of ensuring that the storyline will continue as planned, despite my involvement. Not that I'm really sure, though—I can't actually remember the details of what's supposed to happen.

Clangs of metal fill the air as our swords furiously collide. Law teleports behind me, swinging Kikoku, and I narrowly avoid getting myself cut into pieces. Again.

Lunging forward, I throw a fist at the super rookie. He guards himself with his arm, but he pulls back immediately, wincing. The contact should have felt unbearably cold. When he blocks me a second time, he pulls back again. This time, it should have felt unbearably hot.

Law jumps backwards, increasing the distance between us and sending another slash from across the blue room. Using my devil fruit powers, I disrupt his sense of balance. He stumbles, digging his sword into the ground to keep himself upright.

"You having trouble there, Trafalgar?"

The pirate scowls at Kid, who's sneering down at him arrogantly. "Mind your own fight," he warns, glare never leaving me. "You've got some strange abilities, Navy-ya."

I snicker. "I don't wanna hear that from _you_ , Law-kun." His smirk widens.

The Sense Sense Fruit. With its powers, I can control a person's perception. That's why it was possible to make the pirate believe he'd encountered a blinding light or lost his balance, and even develop wounds from what should have felt like burns from ice and fire.

As we eye each other carefully, anticipating the other's next move, the rest of the pirate captains' crewmembers start exiting the Auction House.

"Whoa, whoa, what's going on all of a sudden?!"

"Wow! Wooo~w! I can't believe my eyes! Although of course, I don't have any eyes! Yohohoho!"

"Oh man, you've really caused a scene there, Captain…"

"Quick tempers, the lot of 'em…"

Finding that the added musclepower was proving to be just as formidable as their captains, the marines hasten to get the situation under control. The Commodore looks particularly irritated, yelling, "Don't underestimate us you little brats! Reinforcements are on the way!"

Law stands a few meters ahead of me, his attention divided between myself and the other captains who've somehow reconvened beside him. Deciding I'd leave them to their bro talk, I sheathe my sword. The Heart pirate captain watches me warily, just as a marine runs up from behind me, ready to attack him.

"Trafalgar Law…how dare you do that to my comrades!"

Holding my arm out, I send an impulse that turns his vision black. The soldier trips, falling smack into the ground on his face. For good measure, I cut off his hearing for a while, too.

Bepo, who'd at some point jumped into the air to protect his captain, is stopped mid-kick when I grip his ankle (Is that what you call them on bears?) and twist his foot away from me. Quickly freeing him from my grasp, I hold my hands up to show that I'm not a threat.

"You should go," I say. "I won't interfere."

The terribly cute mink gives me a puzzled expression as he lands on his paws, looking back between me and his captain as if demanding an explanation. Law doesn't move at first, but eventually slings his sword over his shoulder, looking me over one last time.

"I don't know what you're playing at, Navy-ya…but there's no time to find out."

I nod, watching as he shifts his gaze.

"Let's go, Bepo."

The polar bear blinks once before scrambling up. "Aye aye, Captain!" he exclaims, hurriedly following after the pirate.

With a sigh, I check out Law's ass appreciatively as he leaves, before glancing down hesitantly at the marine I'd knocked down. Restoring his vision and hearing while smiling innocently, I help him stand up and ask if he's alright. He nods slowly, still slightly disoriented.

"What…what happened?"

"The bear knocked you out," I say, without missing a beat.

"The…bear?"

"Yeah, he's really fast and he knows kung fu. It's okay if you don't remember."

I cough awkwardly.

He doesn't seem to notice.

Hoping to change the subject, I pull him towards the medics. "Well, let's get you checked out."

The marine nods, rubbing the bump on his head. "Thanks, Kaoru-taichou…"

Vaguely, I wonder if people usually feel bad when they lie.

"Don't mention it."


	4. chapter three: the war to come

HEY WADDUP this chapters been edited a little, mostly towards the end. Nothing big tho xoxo

* * *

 **chapter three: the war to come**

* * *

My eye twitches when I detect a familiar presence; a man for whom a blasé grin and permanently jeering brows fully denote an entire personality. Yes, Admiral Kizaru truly does live up to his devil fruit's expectations—a man of light who takes things far too lightly—which, in my opinion, is nothing but support for my theory that a fruit chooses its wielder as much as a wielder chooses its fruit. If the increasingly foreboding sound of explosions and screams in the distance is any other indication, it's absolutely certain that he's arrived on the Archipelago by now.

Munching on one of the leftover buns I'd stored in my pocket, I try to distract myself from the overwhelming migraine that is only slightly exacerbated by the Admiral's mere presence. I've already tried using my devil fruit powers to lessen the pain, but the effect's wearing off. Briefly, I consider whether I should continue to deal with the aftermath of that surgeon's post-operating nightmare, or if I should just commit seppuku and end my suffering once and for all.

Because, I swear—if one more marine comes up to me to complain about their reconnected lower halves not being the " _correct size"_ , or " _as big as they remembered_ ," I will personally see to it that they all receive penectomies and have their fucking dicks fed to Sea Kings. Just because I'm kind of perverted doesn't mean I enjoy seeing genitals all the time. Or at all, actually. I'm totally innocent.

As if on cue, a seaman approaches me, a light pink blush diffusing from his cheeks to his brighter, cherry red ears. "Kaoru-taichou," he begins, looking downward, "I don't think that this is my—"

Before he can finish, I cast him my most evil death glare, intensifying the experience by sending a chill straight through his soul.

"Be careful how you finish that sentence," I warn, tightening the grip around the hilt of my sword. "We wouldn't want to have an irreversible accident here, now would we?"

The young man swallows and shakes his head. "No, ma'am. I was just going to say that I don't think that this is my correct, um, pair of pants—but now that I think about it, it sounds like a personal problem. I will see to it that I sort this situation out on my own."

Satisfied, I ease the grip on my sword. "Good answer," I say, patting the boy on the shoulder.

He bows, apologizing for disturbing me before scampering away.

With a sigh, I perch myself on the steps of the Auction House, looking to the distance where sounds of destruction continue to run rampant. How much longer do the Strawhats have together? Did Kizaru find them yet?

A part of me wishes I could do something to help, but I know that as long as the real Kuma shows up as he's supposed to, everything will work out for the best. My foot shakes incessantly as I try to get a grip on my nerves.

.

.

.

"You say they still have yet to be captured?!"

Enzo tries to appease the turnip-headed celestial dragon, who has unfortunately woken up from her little Conqueror's-Haki-induced nap. Holding his palms out desperately, the man assures her, "Admiral Kizaru-dono is pursuing them as we speak, so their capture is pretty much unavoidable. If you could just wait—"

"Miserable, brainless dogs!" The woman shrieks, the veins in her forehead threatening to burst. "On top of doing this to my father and my brother, they even had the gall to _free_ all of our _slaves_?! Do they not have the slightest respect for the blood of this world's creator?! When they are caught, I shall make them crawl to me begging for forgiveness…I shall show them Hell on Earth!"

My eyes roll so far into the back of my head that I can see my skull. As much as I would like to knock the living lights out of this crazy bitch, I settle for muting out her voice and leaving Enzo to deal with the mess on his own.

.

.

.

When we return to our briefing room at headquarters, I instruct my men to line up so that I can glare at each of them individually.

I didn't forget.

"Which ones of you morons were making comments during my fight with Trafalgar?!" I demand to know, cracking the bones in my fists and my neck to add an extra air of intimidation.

The men look away nervously, no one with enough of a vagina to take responsibility. I seriously need some women in my squad.

Grimacing, I pace across the rows.

"My, my, you were all so noisy when you started yelling about my nose bleed last chapter… What did you say, again? _"Trafalgar Law didn't even have to touch her"_ —was that it?!" I snap my head towards a forward facing marine, who gulps nervously. "Were you trying to rub the lack of action I get in my face?!"

"No, ma'am!"

A single voice meekly proclaims, "We didn't even know you were struggling to get action!"

Heat rushes to my face. I played myself there, didn't I?

"It's okay!" Another one joins in, "You're not that bad, Captain-chan! If I didn't have a prettier girlfriend, I would—"

"That's enough!" I yell, unsure if I want to continue with my little angry spiel or go somewhere else and cry miserably. Breathing out shakily (out of fury or suppressed tears—who knows?), I grimly declare, "Fine. If no one will take responsibility, then all of you will. Everyone, raise your hands over your shoulders and do _wall sits_."

They gasp. Indeed, I did just sentence them to the universally accepted worst of all punishment exercises.

Sadistically, I add, "Without the wall…"

It doesn't take long before their cries of agony start filling me with strength.

.

.

.

When I spot Admiral Kizaru at the other end of the hallway, I spin on my heel to try to avoid an encounter with him. Unfortunately, the old geezer catches sight of me and goes, "Ooh~! If it isn't Strawberry Milk-kun~ Long time no see but do you think you can help me find the conference room? I'm late for a call…"

Glowering at the nickname, I reluctantly offer Kizaru a salute. "My pleasure," I smile fakely, before motioning for him to follow after me. "I was just going there myself."

The Admiral trails behind me, his cheeky grin forever plastered on his countenance as he takes airy steps with his hands inside his pockets. My first encounter with him was about a year and a half ago, when he temporarily took over the vice admiral's ship I was on at the time. I wouldn't say I hate him or anything, but I did hold a grudge against the man for repeatedly stealing my strawberry milk. Just thinking about the way he would always react with an, "Oh~ That was yours? My bad," every single time I confronted him about it is enough to make my body tremble with rage.

I can't believe that at some point, Enzo had the audacity to compare Kizaru's lack of responsibility to my own. I mean, I know I'm not a great captain, and probably not even a moderately good one—but that's just going too far. I would never touch another person's milk. At least not if they write their name on it.

"We're here," I announce, before knocking on the door to get permission to enter the conference room.

The door swings open and Kizaru strolls in before me. I make a point to stand as far away from his as possible, else he decides to move on from stealing my drinks and onto stealing the food I've stored in my pockets. To my dismay, the warning look that Rear Admiral Perry's is giving me at this position is no better.

"You. See. Me. Later." He mouths silently, but I don't nod because I'm going to act like I don't understand him. We'll see if I can get away.

In the room joining us are a frustrated-looking commodore, a rather indifferent-looking Sentomaru, several guilty-looking captains, and a transponder snail with an afro and a mustache.

"The Strawhats escaped. _Again_?"

Undoubtedly, it is an exasperated Sengoku who sighs over the mustachio-ed snail. Absentmindedly, I picture the life-sized seagull on his cap flapping its wings along with his motions. " _How_?"

"Well," Kizaru drawls, "The Dark King and a certain bible-wielding warlord got in the way, and then they disappeared to who-knows-where…"

"Rayleigh interfered? HAHAHA!"

I wince; Garp's loud laugh is startling, presenting from the same side of the line as Sengoku. Clearly, the military's strongest have all gathered for this conference call, and I wouldn't be surprised if the remaining admirals and vice-admirals were on the other side of the telepathic mollusk.

"That damned Kuma."

"This is why you can't trust pirates."

"You should have killed them on the spot, Borsalino. This is what happens when you play with your prey."

"Ooh~? Well I'd like to see you hold your own against the Dark King, ne~? Sakazuki~…"

Inwardly, I nod. It is just as I suspected. Having multiple powerhouses together really does makes it feel like, at any second, the world could end.

"That's enough," the fleet admiral interjects, "What's done is done—it can no longer be helped. What we have to concern ourselves with right now is the Navy's declining reputation. The Strawhats have gotten away from us twice already, and we're losing our morale. On top of that, we're expecting a war with the Whitebeard pirates at any time. We have to show the citizens of the world that they can rely on us to protect them."

"I agree. That's why we have to proceed with the execution of Fire Fist Ace."

At this mention, I stiffen.

"The date and time will be announced in tomorrow's newspaper."

"Whitebeard…it's time his era comes to an end."

.

.

.

Despite my efforts to ignore him, Rear Admiral Perry holds me back after the meeting, and with just the two of us in his office, sits me down across from his desk and laces his fingers together like a teacher about to reprimand his student.

I grin innocently.

His mouth does not budge from its firm line.

"I'll cut to the chase. You let Trafalgar go. I want to know why."

…

Well, fuck.

"He's the father of my child," I blurt out.

The Rear Admiral blanches.

Going along with the flow as I commend myself for my quick thinking, I rest a fond and gentle palm against my stomach, thankful that I'm still bloated from my earlier snack.

"I'm pregnant."

The old man doesn't say a word. In fact, he looks mortified.

"I was going to tell you, but I didn't know how. I was surprised, too," I bring on the crocodile tears, "I mean, do you think I want to be a mom? I'm only twenty-one! I don't want to get tied down! But it just happened one night at this bar in the Lawless Zone in the middle of this snowstorm and like, it was cold and he was warm and—"

"Wait," Perry holds up a hand, the color slowly returning to his face. "It doesn't snow on Sabaody."

I pause, narrowing my eyes.

"Not even in the winter?"

The man slams his fist into the desk, effectively creating splinters in the wood. "What are you even saying?! You've only been here for two months—has it ever snowed during that time?!"

Chuckling nervously, I can feel my life force draining out of my already corpse-like existence. In times like these, I really wish I'd eaten a devil fruit that could just let me…disappear. Or at least help me lie better.

"Word of advice: If you're going to lie, keep it simple. Sabaody has a subtropical climate. Year-round." The Rear Admiral frowns. "Now, quit screwing around. What reason did you have for knocking out your own subordinate and letting Trafalgar go? You should know how sensitive the Navy's reputation is right now."

Briefly, I consider telling him the truth. But imagine me going, _"Oh, I let him go because that's what happened in the plot and I don't want to fuck up the order of the universe. Also, I think he's kind of cute."_

Internally, I shake my head. That wouldn't go well at all.

"My subordinate would've been killed by either the bear or Trafalgar if I didn't knock him out first," I say finally, having thought up a reasonable, albeit exaggerated explanation. "As for letting him go—his crew had already arrived to back him up. Surely you wouldn't expect me to take all of them on? I could barely hold my own against the captain alone."

Adding a dramatic huff, I look away, as if insulted by the suspicious accusations.

The Rear Admiral lets out a long breath.

"I never know with you, Kaoru. Are you really committed to the Navy? It's not just this. All of those criminals that you brought in for bounties—did you really think I wouldn't realize that most of them were connected to the slave trade?" He lowers his voice. "You _know_ that as officials we aren't allowed to intervene with the Auction House activities. What on earth are you scheming?"

I don't answer at first, propping my elbow on the armrest of my chair and leaning my cheek against my wrist. I'm surprised that Perry mentions my bounty hunting targets, but it's not like I was trying to be sneaky about it. Anyway, I really was trying to get money out of them—the fact that they were involved with the human auction house was just an added bonus.

After a moment, I stand.

"I'm not scheming anything," I say. "But don't you think that those pirates today did the world a favor by disrupting the slave trade? Can't we just let them go?"

Perry's expression darkens. "That's not your decision to make."

"Well, I made it. Fire me if you want."

The old man holds my glare, but eventually, he withdraws. Rubbing his temples with one hand, he searches through his cabinet with the other and hands me an envelope. "There's one more thing."

I eye the packet warily. "What is it?"

"Think of it as a chance to prove your loyalty. You're being deployed."


End file.
